The Fear of being washed away

Today as I sit down to write after almost a week, I'm still not sure I'll come out with any positive notes. My best friends have been accusing me lately of writing immensely depressing stuff. They were the reason for this blog. They thought that all my thoughts needed a vent. This was what it was meant for, so I'm sorry, I'll write straight from the heart again.

As I sip my favorite Jacobs coffee and listen to Life house, I'll tell you about my recently growing fear. Yeah, this fear is almost like a cancer which consumes me everyday of my life : Its being washed away by time. There are so many gaps in my life today, in every aspect, that I sometimes think that one day I'll wake up to find out that I'm nothing but one big black hole.

My incessant worry of having a gap on my resume leads me to think that when I finally return to the corporate world, I would have to compete with younger and smarter people, which would leave me only to settle for lesser jobs. My fear of being washed away in the memory of most of  my loved ones. The people who I had the best times in my life with, would have probably found better company and moved on. The scare of being isolated is my worst fear ever. (People in school and college who constantly boycotted me, haven't made this fear any better over time.)

Most of the times my life graph has been described to be these "peaks and troughs". I'm probably somewhere in between right now, which I'm so not used to. At times I get disappointed by my own unmet expectations, but the unreasonable side of me always seems to make matters worse. And I always counter such situations by thinking, well even if 99% people on this earth happen to be "reasonable", my 1% nature of being "unreasonable" makes me a whole lot better and unique. May be this is what drives me to the peaks. But somehow this time its taking me a whole lot more time to get there. But till that happens, and I promise it shall, because I'm also the eternal optimist, please bear with me.

Cheers!!

Train to Zurich

I often wondered what it would be like to travel alone. I have often been accused of being overtly social and just so as to prove everyone right, I did always carry the company of interesting people.

But today things have changed just a bit, since the language acts like a barrier and I’m in a country where I’ve not lived the last 28 years of my life, I do not have the same privileges. What I find rather amusing is that I enjoy my company more than I had noticed before.

I’m really never alone thanks to my thoughts, my sketchbook, my novel and of course my laptop. I didn’t know it would be such a pleasure to actually write in a train. I’m in an intercity train from Stuttgart to Zurich. Yes, I’m on my way to Switzerland. Also, I don’t have to bother about little pickpocketers on the train as I would have to do in India, and so my laptop is out on my table.

My grandfather and mother, who have travelled quite a bit, use to tell me about the pleasures of exploring new places. I always use to wonder what could be so exciting about travelling alone. Well, guess, some of their genes did pass on.

It is fascinating to discover new landscapes, like right this minute as I look out of the window (Yes, the girl by the window just managed another window seat ;)), I see a stream and little hills in the background. Also, did I mention I hate rains, but right this minute, as the rain trickles down on my window, I’m not too bothered. Since it does some good by bringing out the best greens in the background and I don’t have to worry about getting wet.

I don’t know how many of you can enjoy this experience but for the girls out there, its as good as shopping at your favourite store without having to pay for it ;)

Cheers!!

Unfinished business

Well this goes out to all the people who wait for little miracles to happen to them. And it will not talk about the unfinished business left behind for our politicians to look in to like the roads, the electricity situations and the general chaos at large.

I had a great weekend this time. I happened to meet some very interesting people from different backgrounds, also I had a chance to interact with some old friends online. All of this got me to thinking about unfinished businesses. We all know that since birth, we have had to deal with each aspect of life step by step. Like we learn how to walk before we learn how to talk, we learn how to talk before we learn how to write and so on and so forth. Did you ever think about skipping some of these steps and coming to where you are today? I always wished for a job before working. I thought that money would do the trick education couldn't do. I was SO wrong.

As it turns out education should and will always come before money. It gives us exposure to our own abilities and failures. And how will one know what they're good at if they don't fail at a certain aspect. This is pretty much the case with relationships too. They all have a cycle, a cycle of misery and some failure after which you realize which ones are really right for you. At any point when we try harder at things than what its meant to be, the moment there is a certain desperation..chances are they won't work out.

So is the case with with unfinished business. In my case it'll probably have to be the mathematical discomfort of "probability" and "permutation and combination". Somehow it kept haunting me till I finally had to learn it for every competitive exam.

Where ever there is unfinished business, whether it is in a certain work environment or a relationship. Chances are, one will always have to give it the required time and commitment it requires. For every product, there is a life cycle, unless it is completed, it will not go off the shelf. Even if it is a failure, every aspect of its failure has to be exhausted.

So, take a step back and look around for whatever it is that is stopping you from moving forward, chances are there is some unfinished business!!

A day full of possibilities

Well today goes out to the two people I spoke to as I sat here in my bed talking about possibilities. The sun has been kind enough to show itself today morning and I've decided it will be a day of unfulfilled possibilities.

I've decided to pack my bag and roam around on my favorite station: Haupbahnhof station as a nomad. The main hub of the city is full of possibilities. People sit on the side walk and paint. Some bands come there to sing or play their instruments. Also, its full of colorful stores and people. People who perform tricks, play games and put up random exhibitions of their talent.

I will not be bantering about the newspaper today or talk about my job situation. I want to simply explore the day as a nobody. I'm going to click some pictures, paint in the gardens and do some serious window shopping.

Also, this is for my sister, I'm going to do all this alone. Trust me sister, there is no ones company, I enjoy more than being with myself. I don't have to take unnecessary advise or criticism. Also, I think its high time I do what I preach so often to you. Enjoy by oneself.

So adiós people. By the end of the day you will know how a day full of possibilities turns out. Also, I'll be doing a whole lot of thinking about my conversations since morning. I do wish I could have a friend look at my bohemian look right now as I fade in to oblivion.

So long :)
Cheers!!

A paper gone wrong

You remember the feeling we had as kids when we messed up big time on a paper. I remember having nightmares over it and discussing it endlessly with my mom on what went wrong and how could I amend my mistakes the next time on.

Unfortunately as we grow up, we face similar kind of situation, but only this time there is no mom to turn back to. And sometimes there is no next time too.

I'm sure who ever reads my blogs is pretty well connected to the outside world (at least better than me). Just open the newspaper today, its hilarious to see how everybody involved in a Rs24,000 crore scam has managed to walk off Scot  free. I wonder when Raju committed this crime, did he go back to his mom and say "Hey mom, guess what I f**ked up big time" and his mom replied "Yeah baby, you'll get out better the next time!". Because unfortunately thanks to our judiciary now there will be a next time. At the same time, some people never manage to have that next time like the 18 kids who got buried alive due to a flattened roof. Also the student of Jaypee institute who accidentally  got electrocuted, unfortunately no one will be held responsible and it was supposedly no ones fault. Yet someone fu**ked up.

The ironies in our country run so deep that I think pretty soon the Oxford dictionary will have to help us look for other words. Anyway the only thing that was worth a read was the car that runs on by-products made of whiskey. That's good news, I can always say now I'm not just drinking but I'm also giving you guys a source to run your car.

So much for a paper gone wrong. I wish I'd known while growing up on how people could really fail at life and also know that some of them in spite of failing carry their pride on their heads. A thought worth thinking about.

Cheers!!

Can fate hear us?

Can fate hear us? After a day of great disappointment, I sit here on my bed, wondering if fate ever hears us? Does fate do what we want it to do, or does it merely follow a path of its on called : providence/destiny.

After a day which I would term as a complete wash out, I feel like I'm out here, a place called nowhere. I visited the arbeitamts today, which is an employment office in Germany. I got myself out of bed at an earlier hour, I battled the big down pour today, put on my best official coat and set out for a job yet again. This time I was not faced with a harsh harping German lady asking me to learn a language but asking me for a valid work permit. At the foreign office earlier today, I was told I need a job first and then a work permit. The vicious circle of events left me with nothing but another dead end.

I wonder what does one really have to have to keep on going in a world made of nothingness. If you look at my resume today, it may not impress you as that of a Harvard graduates', but its not so bad. I think I've proved myself in every degree, even at every work place, then what is it that keeps the whole world in giving me a decent white collared job?

Its been a despairing day but its gotten me to think about my fate. I'm pretty sure I don't want to die being a mere dependent as my visa states today. I cannot imagine myself to be a glorified housewife, since spending money doesn't give me that kind of satisfaction as earning it. How longer will I have to keep proving myself till I meet a fate of my own.

Does fate listen to us when we are trying so hard and meeting these dead ends? Does it hear me when every atom in my body screams that I need to work for what I spend? Does it hear me when I say I want to be with my sister right now? Does it give any direction to the fact that I want to be with no one right now but the three friends that I started out with in Engineering? DOES IT HEAR ME AT ALL?

Old Melodies

Have you wondered about why we ever had to grow up? Why is there no never never land like in Peter Pan?
How many of us walk different streets humming the same old melodies taking us back in a time where we knew nothing about money, jobs, news or any such realities?

This weekend I had a chance to live it up again like a child. Yesterday was spent in doing absolutely nothing. Well nothing that would affect the economy or any other human being. I spent the day lazing around, munching on unhealthy food, drinking nothing but juice and hold on to your breath, I went to the swings :)

Yes, since yesterday happened to be one windy day with the sun playing hide and seek in the clouds, I decided to reunite with nature. My hubby gladly held on to my hand and let me do what I do best, indulging in childhood acts. I ran along a stream with my arms wide open and my face hitting against the wind. I also went on the swings and decided to swing with my feet up in the air. I haven't had enough of the swings since as a child I was plump and was often embarrassed standing in queue waiting for my turn at the swings, often afraid someone would call me "that fat gal might break the swings"! Well, I didn't have a care in the world yesterday where there was no one to see me. I sang my favorite songs, sitting on benches and smoking my ciggis. I also thought about my friends in different parts of the world right now.

I wonder could it be possible, that at the same time right then, my friends were doing just the same? (Since we were all just as crazy!) Were we singing the same old melodies, and being flooded by the same rush of emotions? And just like that, I felt so connected. It was so peaceful.

So, if you've read this today. Try it. It brings such immense bliss and guess what it doesn't cost money or time. Just a simple walk, light breeze and your favorite melody!

Cheers!!

When Tigers become Kittens

Everyone in our country has been a witness to "Tigers become kittens". Yes, the best of our men and women have been crumbled to pieces with situations, sometimes controllable and sometimes uncontrollable. In our country the value of life and talent is treated the same way we treat insects in a pothole.

We read about deaths by suicide because someone couldn't face up to the hard realities and then you read about murders by thieves, politicians and sometimes even the police. Why couldn't there just be a traditional way of death..by GOD. A traditional way of situations..LIFE.

Life has a way of humbling you at times. Just when you think you have the perfect life, you may find yourself in relationship troubles, sickness of your loved ones or even unjustified criminal charges against you, this is when Tigers become kittens. Imagine being threatened for your entire family for merely doing the best job you ever did or someone else could ever do. It requires guts but then there comes a time when you trade the guts for your loved ones. I'm sure every IPS or IAS officer in our country has faced that. So, there "Tigers become kittens". Imagine a doctor being the best in his field but losing his patient on his operating table. A mother losing her son for teaching him the true value of honesty and bravery to nothing but a man-made created war. 

Now remember a time when you had to face up to a situation only to lose face with no one but yourself. Its not shameful..its just life. Why can't our politicians do themselves some good, and retire pre-maturely. Let our generation take over. We don't want a democracy do we? We have our freedom, we want clean living environments where we can travel without fear and every individual is able to sustain for themselves. We don't want a policeman looking after us, we want to look after ourselves. We don't want to cheat, we want to work and work to the best of our potential. We don't want a fear of a judicial system, we want to be the judiciary.

Most importantly..we don't want to be kittens in our own territory..we want to be the Tigers..

Think about it..

Cheers!!

Branding..loyalties??

Have you noticed how often we change our brands? I use to be very particular initially about the brands I associated myself with and my loyalties towards them. My brand loyalties had nothing to do with their so called image but had a lot to do with my personal liking.

Unfortunately once you change a country, you are bound to change your brands thanks to the unavailability of your beloved brands. In my case a packet of Benson and Hedges lights has been switched with Davidoff Gold. My favorite Kingfisher has been replaced by Weihenstephan beer. The fate of my clothes is no different. H&M has taken over Promod, and not just because it is more economical but also because they have more colors and style. Another interesting fact is that if you pick up these brands, they are all made in either India, Bangladesh, China or Turkei. What's more is that H&M doesn't sell in India. I wonder what their (clothes) journey is like? Like how does it feel to be H&M being "Made in India" and worn on foreign skin. Similarly, how does it feel to be Benson & Hedges registered on "Old bond street, London" and being smoked by Indians?

I often wonder how much our consumption affects these brands in the larger perspective? I know they are not human enough to feel bad about our negligence or disloyalty but there is still that still..

An average person earning for 2 to 3 years like me probably spends at-least Rs 10,000 on alcohol per month. If you calculate this for a year, it come to 1.2 Lakhs. If we get on to my packet of smokes, it would be another Rs 3000 per month, viz, 36000 per year. Now if we come to clothes, it could easily be another Rs 5000 per month., viz, 60,000 per year. So, in all if we calculate, my economy loses 2.16 Lakhs on my changing loyalties. I will not add to the taxes that I give to my economy because that is not a part of my brand loyalty.  So where does all that money go now right?..definitely not in to my savings..divide them in euros now and put them in to my changed loyalties.

Do brand names ever wonder about how to retain the same customers in different countries, and I am not just talking about banking companies here,though HDFC has failed there too, I am talking about the likes of Zara, Promod, B&H, Kingfisher...? Do they realize when I move in a different country, I earn a different currency and spend on different brands due to their unavailability..And mind you this is not my vanity talking out aloud to treat me like a queen for using a brand but to treat me as what they say "Customer is King"( By the way, they should change that too..to "The customer is the Queen ;))

Cheers!!

Well behaved women never made history

This is the banner on my closet in my room in New Delhi. I grew up with this saying coined by Mario Shiver on one of the Oprah shows. And I sit here wondering about it right now.

I just switched off the telly after watching a show on "Behind the music" show where Pink talks about her rebellious life. It just re-instated the saying all over again.

Honestly, I have been anything but well behaved all my life. I can't talk about any success story of my own so far except how much fun it is to be a little insane. I've had these wild times growing up where any cause could stir a volcano in my life. Like while growing up I gave my parents hell, they often smelt smoke from Tees, complained about my late night chats or outings, which I conveniently blamed on the male company I kept. I also sneaked out at night just to have some fun. I was constantly in trouble with my folks about having a different philosophy in life. They didn't approve much about my talent or the social causes I once in a while indulged in. They didn't believe I would ever do any good to the world. While growing up, I was also kicked out of many groups for being an extremist. Yeah I had my strong opinions about loyalty and friendship too. My folks back in office hated my guts and I was more than often in huge fights. I was always flamboyant and did everything from making sales calls to presentations on my own grounds.

But looking back at all that, I can only tell you one thing, try it. Its so much fun. You live on the edge, and once you know that you have no one to cover your back, it makes you so much stronger. I'm so proud to be in the "well behaved women never made history" category I can't tell you. The thrills of life are just unbeatable compared to the lowest points that you may face.

Like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Not everyone has to be so foolish hardy but for those of you who have been are probably in my core circle today. So let's do what we do the best : MISBEHAVE!

Cheers!!

News in a day..

Today as I went through the newspaper second day in a row, I realized why my interest levels are so low in the nation wide news in India as a whole. Just notice how there is such little mention given to scientific research and inventions. The newspaper is plastered with the dismal image of our country. There is hardly any news about any kind of progress.

The news talks about 333 projects being put on hold burdening our economy with 50,000 crores. They talk about this number like its just a 50,000 minus the crores. It talks about murders, people gone missing, how Ratan Tata wants to clarify that the heir of his empire will not be an anti or pro Parsi, Mamata Banarejee wanting to talk to the Maiosts. I mean is that all that there really is to our country? And knowing all this how does one still want to read the newspapers everyday?

On the other hand, once you open the Delhi times, it seems more ironical than anything to see how many crores individuals are ready to shell on the making of a movie. You see bright young faces unfazed with any knowledge of what runs on the main pages. How does the same newspaper make it all possible in a days edition? I wonder..

Inspite of all the ugliness that the main page throws in your face, there are still smiling faces in the same edition. While the rains and the uncleared gutters of Delhi have now started the dengue fever, I'm sure each time you look out of your car, or go to the gallis of Adhchini, you will find a group of street children playing in the mud and enjoying the same rain that will now cause an epidemic. You will still find young DU and JNU students rallying in their campus, knowing how ugly the political scene in our country can get. Its strange how in our country people still string on to something called "hope". And I don't mean that in a bad way since I'm an eternal optimist.( Despite my crazy mood swings).

I wonder if the newspapers threw more light on progress rather than the deep running regression, then may be like a wand from the book secret, everything in our country would change too. It's just a funny thought but think about it, doesn't all the negativity just pull you down rather than bring you up. Look at the boastful movie stars, don't their gleaming smiles only raise them to different heights of stardom? Well, it may be a childish thought considering newspapers are only suppose to report. But what if...?

Cheers!!

Once upon a time..

Hello, I write in after ages today. The reason, well, I read the newspaper after ages too. I was alarmed at the chaos that I had missed in my most favorite city in the world, New Delhi.

You know, I wonder sitting here in the comfort of the most advanced country across the globe, where does the chaos back home stop. Yes, I'm referring to the broken roads, the recent mishaps, the corruption at large. Do you think once upon a time, there was a Delhi minus the great chaos. The roads were just as polished, the word corruption was not known to Delhites, men didn't know the meaning of rape and the economy was not just an eye wash? Did we deserve the freedom that we got, or we never prepared to be free from the colonial rule? Or is this what happens to countries after years and years of colonial rule? When did we learn about bribes, economic disparity?

Its so sad how it all seems like a vicious circle. We may boast about having the best brains across the world, but none of us would like to step in to the political mess that our country most suffers from. Some of us may even blow the whistle, but the whistle will only be a whisper in a population of billions. All of us, and by that I mean the service class would rather concentrate on their own business rather than plunge in to the muddy racket. What's despairing is that we lack nothing. We are all smart, well aware, even talented and gifted, far beyond the outside world( and I say this by my little exposure), then what is it that we can really do for our country?

I always thought that privatization was a good idea, I thought it could make money transparent, but unfortunately people have found loop holes to make money there too...so then what is the solution?

I think the answer lies in the "Once upon a time..in Delhi"...while I figure this out, you all can do your bit by pouring in some thoughts. What can you and I do?

Crossing over

The past week I've been trying to identify myself. My friend had once asked me to define myself, which honestly, I don't think I still can, but I can give it a try here.

You know once you are put out of your country, your job and single-hood, life automatically takes a new turn around you. For once you cannot blatantly flirt with the cute guy next door. Secondly, since you part ways with your single-hood, groups automatically start to single you out as "The married" types. Life in a different country takes away some of your privileges like getting a bai doing everything for you. The job aspect automatically steals away people's image of you as being anything but intelligent.

Well all this said, I'll talk about the cross-over bit now. Between last week and today, I've met a variety of people. I met someone who I could talk about "Sex and the City", which is work, clothes, the best drinks in town to the latest revolution in Germany. Then I met someone who was a little bohemian, moving around different parts of the world, learning about new cultures, participating in rallies and studying architecture. I met my 70 plus neighbor for a game of scrabble. And then I met someone with two toddlers, whose trying to figure out how to balance a job and kids.

Now all this would have not happened given my previous conventional life-style. So, in a way I am trying to cross-over. Lately my mom has been asking me to write about contemporary and conventional life-styles across the world. I'm not quite sure where I fit in. May be all those who read this can help me.

Another questionable thought is the intelligence aspect, if all these thoughts are coming to me only after a few months of being here then may be giving up my "dumbed out" job was not such a bad thing after all. The only thing worth waiting for is the direction that these thoughts lead me to.

Hmm...

Sister-hood

I wonder how come in all my entries, I've forgotten to mention the center of my little life, my sisters. I don't know how many people out there are blessed to have sisters but I am truly blessed. My sisters integrate in to my existence so deep that over the years, I've taken some of their characters in to my personality. I'm sure they must have something from me as well, though we've never really spoken about it.

I find that some days when I wake up, I wake up with a frown and a deep need to hate the world. I think this comes from the sister who I took to the gym every morning. As it turns out, we worked out better with all that hate and wrath and the rest of the day we managed to remain calm in our worldly existence. I also find myself following "silence is the best weapon" , which I was given by one of my academically brighter sister's, when I was going through my first break-ups in school, and the whole world was out there, spreading the nastiest rumors imaginable. As I turn around to look for brighter things to cheer me up, I think of my eldest sister, in our little pact. I use to often cry on her shoulder rather her lap, yapping about being the biggest loser on earth. As it turns out, she was always right. She taught me a great deal of patience and to always keep the faith. The faith that she always held in the four of us. Us, four sisters.

Today life may be a bit different, as the four us are in three different countries. But its so great to speak to them and know that they are always there. Its so nice to still run back to them, admit to follies, cry and laugh at the same time. Life will always be safe and peaceful with all of you around.

And hopefully this December, we'll all have a chance to be in the same frame together. I love you guys and thanks for understanding me and lifting up my spirits :)

Cheers!!