Monday, August 30, 2010

The Fear of being washed away

Today as I sit down to write after almost a week, I'm still not sure I'll come out with any positive notes. My best friends have been accusing me lately of writing immensely depressing stuff. They were the reason for this blog. They thought that all my thoughts needed a vent. This was what it was meant for, so I'm sorry, I'll write straight from the heart again.

As I sip my favorite Jacobs coffee and listen to Life house, I'll tell you about my recently growing fear. Yeah, this fear is almost like a cancer which consumes me everyday of my life : Its being washed away by time. There are so many gaps in my life today, in every aspect, that I sometimes think that one day I'll wake up to find out that I'm nothing but one big black hole.

My incessant worry of having a gap on my resume leads me to think that when I finally return to the corporate world, I would have to compete with younger and smarter people, which would leave me only to settle for lesser jobs. My fear of being washed away in the memory of most of  my loved ones. The people who I had the best times in my life with, would have probably found better company and moved on. The scare of being isolated is my worst fear ever. (People in school and college who constantly boycotted me, haven't made this fear any better over time.)

Most of the times my life graph has been described to be these "peaks and troughs". I'm probably somewhere in between right now, which I'm so not used to. At times I get disappointed by my own unmet expectations, but the unreasonable side of me always seems to make matters worse. And I always counter such situations by thinking, well even if 99% people on this earth happen to be "reasonable", my 1% nature of being "unreasonable" makes me a whole lot better and unique. May be this is what drives me to the peaks. But somehow this time its taking me a whole lot more time to get there. But till that happens, and I promise it shall, because I'm also the eternal optimist, please bear with me.


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