Life with a 'delete' button

Do you ever wake up in the morning with this feeling of deleting parts of your life or some of the people that you knew in some parts of your life. The feeling of deletion is so negative and yet so relieving. I woke up with this feeling today morning and struggled with this thought over my morning coffee. I wondered why I often felt the urge to delete and shun people from my life.

My life as I know it and some people close to me know it is very transitional. I look different each year, I dress differently and walk around with different people. Since my life is so transitional, it's but natural for people in my life to fade away from time to time. What is not natural is that I choose to cut out some people from my life. I am a very people's person and so what causes me to take such nasty steps.

By the time I had my second cup of coffee, things started to become clearer. There are some people, no wait a lot of people in my life, who have made me feel very very alone. They left me alone to deal with my own emotions. They have abandoned me in my times of crisis. They have forgotten that I am human. They have burdened me with their miseries and I've carried their miseries in my heart and on my shoulders. I've tried my best to understand, analyze and find a solution to their miseries only to be complimented by them going back to their miseries. I've never had too many expectations from people except that they take care of themselves and sometimes just sometimes hear me out.I am very thankful to these people because they didn't hear me out. They didn't take the time to know me or my life and they stayed in their miserable lives when my world shattered, broke and then resurrected. They were too busy and now they don't belong in my life! I hate desertion but it seems to be like a flu these days and I've learnt it only too well. And so I press the 'delete' button.

I also have another theory to counter the 'delete theory'. When one dull window in my life shuts down, I paint a 100 doors to make it more comfortable for others to find me. I've been taught by a lot of my 'so-called' friends to be alone and guess what, I'm leaving them all alone now :)

Cheers to the new light I'll bring in to my life today by hitting the delete button.

The bliss of the sunny winter mornings

There are very few days in Stuttgart in the winters, when you wake up to a beautiful sunny morning like today. The first rays of sunshine pouring down on the snow-capped roof tops, melting the snow in to a light falling stream of diamonds. The colors of the drops reflecting and refracting in to various shades of the rainbow.

One tends to drift in thoughts about the week ahead and the week gone by. I think about all the things I still have to do in my little time and my little life. May be write a book, put up an exhibition, participate in a marathon, the opportunities in life today seem countless.

I think about all the people, who have stood by me in a time of rough weather and now that the rough weather is almost through, what could I possibly give back to them, as a sign of my gratitude. I think about the materialism in the world, which has its short-lived joy and then I think about a long-term and life long reward. Could I return the joy in the world by imparting, what I have learnt all along my life, positivism. Could I teach them the skills that I acquired through my teachers? Should I continue to give back in the way that I find the easiest and most selfless : Teaching? I will still have to figure out which way can I combine what I have learnt and still have to learn to give back to life, the same way it gives to me each day and each morning.

While I figure out, what to do next in my life, I can enjoy for these little moments like today, the sunlight that falls on my face and thank life for giving me the little rays of hope. May the weeks ahead guide me on a path of self discovery and recovery. May my friends, family and loved ones receive every little joy that I receive in this life and in the glimmers of a sunny winter morning...Everything will be alright..

cheers..

The white wonder

It's a day like this in Stuttgart that makes you believe in the goodlife. The snow flakes covering the streets, each branch, smiling at you with its new found accessory, a little flake here, a little flake there. The rooftops beaming at you with their new found white beauty that they glow in under the white skies.

It's a day defined in white perfection. A day where friends should sit around a wooden table in Zimt und Zucker and drink a cup of warm hot chocolate, sharing the weeks laughter and joy. A day, where silence makes sounds at the charisma of  nature. As nature seduces me in to its purity and innocence, every hardship of the weeks seems to ease out of my veins bringing back fresh white light. Nothing could go wrong now in the white blanket of nature. Every little whisper from the trees ruffling with the snow flakes smothering them, seem to be calling out to me today to go out and sin in nature.

As I watch the white wonder by my window today, I can only wish happiness, love and joy to each one near and dear. This is definitely a page in the good life I sin in!

Cheers :-)

Damini : Humanity lost in a population of billions

As I listened to the open, wild public outcry in our country about the violent rape case, it got me thinking, whether things would ever change for us or our women. It made me think of all the women that I so love and admire in my country.

One tends to only talk about the problems on the surface when they talk about aggressive behavior. The root cause of any kind of aggression, in any society stems from a kind of suppression. Aggression is the reaction to a suppression. In a metropolitan like Delhi, where there are high rise buildings, Audis, BMWs and Benz rolling on the street, there are also slums, where the water from the sewage overflows. The flip side to our big cars are the Rickshaw pullers on the streets. In a city, where there is so much disparity, how do we expect the downtrodden NOT to look our way with disgust. Why should someone not have the same standard of living as the other?

A lot of people talk about education and confuse it with a standard of living. Most of the workers/laborers in our country are also educated. A person with a bachelors degree in our country could either be holding a broom or be sitting in a clerical position or be in charge of a big-run family business, depending on the family, he or she is born in. Now, it is funny that someone should have a better standard of living, just because they are born to a certain income class of parents. What does the country, it's education system or its universities, do for such people? In my right frame of mind : Nothing.

We need an education system, which looks outside the books. That's been one of the biggest problems for years in our country, hasn't it? People seem to only follow books..religious books, science books, political books, psychological books...and more books. The needs of life, if you ask me, are quite simple: Clean food, water and a roof on the head. Unfortunately books alone cannot tell us how to sustain ourselves. Practical knowledge, experience and vocational training help. In a country supporting a population of a billion, it isn't possible for each one of us to be a lawyer/engineer or a doctor. If and only if there was a dignity of labour in our country and a little supervision of the distribution of wealth, may be a certain class of people could at least lead a life less miserable. This less miserable class if satisfied has a potential not to display the acts of aggression that we commonly ignore.

If some of us were to adopt a village, create facilities like water, food and shelter. If we could just impart the basic human dignity and equality amongst each other, which is humanity, I wonder if it would cease all the talks in the media and the bullshit that we are subject to?

I also question these huge demonstrations and discussions which are on right now. Is it that people really care, because if they do, then do we need masses to support an issue or just an individual with a gun to protect the honor of a woman? Or is it that we as a country have nothing better to do than to be on television and have our 5 minutes of worthless fame?

Women and men in our country need to protect their own honor and have their own vision. We need to build this society on a stronger foundation than just education, where money,status and fame needs to take a back seat for a while. We need to provide humanity in our society. How we can spread this humanity in a cancerously disillusioned society is the question?

Longer and Narrowing walkways

I always thought that I will remain untouched by time and age. I've tried to beat both at all given times, mostly physically and emotionally but the one thing good that time and age have done to me is give me an immense amount of patience and hope.

I met some of my closest friends in the past few days. People who have known me for over 6-7 years or more. When it comes to friendships, I have always been someone, who has jumped up to meet people but now I take a different approach. I saw myself walking down longer roads to connect with people rather than taking short-cuts. It could be taking the metro rather than jumping in to the car, it could be walking down the campus through longer meandering ways rather than taking the shorter-routes out and I wondered all this while why?

I still love all my friends just the same way but why build up the anticipation? (And by building up the anticipation, it doesn't mean making people wait, it just means starting out earlier than before) I think it has to do with me trying to relish each moment I spend with them and before even spending time with them, already thinking about how we build up all these relations. I have a handful of people that I really enjoy meeting in Delhi and these people are all so different and yet so connected to me. So whether it's a friendship based out of sports, out of good old engineering times or my smoke-breaks in the corners of buildings, I enjoy them all and I like to think of what went in to the making of these relationships.

I have been so impulsive in making and breaking relationships that today I find it important to understand what goes on behind in these makings and breaking of bonds. It's almost like being behind the camera and shooting your own life. The only thing I do differently is that I'm trying to shoot it in slow motion. And believe me it is more fun.

In a city like Delhi where life has lesser value than time and money (going by the size and speed of the cars), I like to move around differently, a little slower and a little more alert. I like to enjoy the little greenery and narrowing pathways that still exist. I also try to enjoy the conversations which are a little far away from materialism that consumes this city.

Lucky for me, I still have a few people I can come back to here and a mouthful of sky under which we can enjoy our time in the buzzing city.

The fallen men

Disney movies have retarded the mind of little girls and impressionable minds for the longest time now. I have decided to unveil the curtains on real life now.

In real life the big hearted princess kisses the ugly frog only to turn the frog in to an uglier toad and she then transforms in to a prince. This princess turned prince then carries the burden of the ugly toad her/his entire life.

My slight bitterness against fairy tales comes from a very real experience. I was a very successful woman with a career and a car. I had a lot for one woman to handle. I just decided to kiss the frog. Very soon I lost everything that made me the princess I was. As I kept losing my dreams, I kissed another frog. This time I even lost everything that even made me meet my human needs. As the frogs in my life trampled around my heart and soul, I decided to live.

I've often been told I'm overly ambitious. I want to make one thing very clear. As a princess turned prince now, I do have basic needs
and my standards to maintain. So as I looked around many stores today not for clothes but for jobs with my friend today, I thought to myself about all the lame Heroes people talk about and about the fact that these are mostly men. To me all of them have fallen.

In the times to come, I forsee a new generation of weaker men and their weaker thinking power. They will just become pawns to women's powerful mind games and before they know it all the princesses would be playing their knights in shining armour as the new prince.

Disney: I have a few new ideas based on reality to share.

While I walk the fields of Gold..

While the rest of the world sleeps right now..my mind tends to drift in fields of Gold..

While my life is far from perfect at the moment..there are some spirits around me which give me strength, love and inspiration like never before. I feel like I'm getting closer to my goals than ever.

I see the clouds drifting away from the light of the stars that now seem to burn the sky so bright, some how some of them are making the moon shy away in all its brightness.

They say "Be so good that the world can no longer ignore you"..and somehow may be it was an investment in some human emotions that is pulling me through my darkest times right now.

We are all born with families but then we tend to come here, walk these paths with some companions and make connections born out of the heart and soul. I'm just one of those few lucky souls to find just the right companions at the right time. My companions share a light that ignites my spirit in the grueling grey skies and November rains. They help me pave my path and we all share this journey in the fields of Gold.

I wish my life would make as much sense as my imagination does right now. I wish so bad that I could realize all these images in my head in to reality..may be someday soon I will..but tonight I'll just live in them because I've already put in a day's work..

I hope that everyone who is close to me at this time and has shown faith in my dreams and my spirits is able to see the light of the day, when I'm able to realize it all and we can all walk in the fields of gold together.

To the "few" rockstars in my life.."our" band will make it and amen to that.